I hate anxiety

So, about a week and a half ago, I made the decision to defer one of my classes. That is not a small decision to make, at least for me. I had been dealing with a large amount of stress for the previous month or so that fluctuated in it’s intensity. It regularly hit it’s peak on a Monday night/ Tuesday morning, which I regularly got little sleep on and was faced with large amounts of work for the next day. When it came time for this, I often was left with little to no contact with team members for help or had found that the things that had been completed needed to be reworked or adjusted. When this happened, I was often overwhelmed with the weight of work that was left for me to do. This then carried over to the next day, where I would often need to do a presentation for my team. This shouldn’t have been left for me alone, but it often was due to poor communication with my team and me deciding to take on the weight instead of ask for help. This happened on loop for about 4 weeks, steadily increasing in weight, peaking on Tuesday morning. After those weeks, I couldn’t do it anymore.

 

The monday night of week 6 was when I finally reached out for help from someone. I sent an email to my lecturer for the class that was causing my the most panic. This was the best step that I could have made to help me in this situation. I went into uni the next day not knowing how much that email was going to help me. Upon arriving at uni, it didn’t take long before I was taken aside and spoken to by one of my lecturers about how to fix this stress. This was when I realised why those people talk about how important it is to reach out when you’re struggling. I’d heard so many stories from people who talk about how it’s so important to talk to someone and how you should reach out if you’re struggling, but boy did I underestimate how much I’d need that. After talking to the lecturers about how I was doing, I came to the decision to defer my final project preparation class.

 

This was so relieving for me, I could finally breath again. It took some time to fully understand how much I was stressing over it. There were many points that my mind jumped back to thinking about the workload that I had and I had to take a step back and remind myself that I didn’t have to do it anymore. It’s a strange feeling, a moment of panic so close to a moment of relief. I do not want to go back. So in an attempt to avoid ever experiencing that again, I need to remember to take a step back regularly to examine how I’m doing and to see how well I’m coping. I need to make sure that I’m still connecting with my friends and enjoying my life, because I know that if I don’t, I’ll get caught up quickly in work.

 

So now that I’m doing less work, there’s only really one thing I’m concerned about. That is that after having taken a step back from work, I’m concerned that I’ve stepped too far back and might be doing too little work now. I hope that this is not the case, and that it is just my brain trying to find something new to worry about. But at the moment, I feel that I should pick up my game a little bit. I need to consider how well I’m communicating with my team and how well they are doing their share of the work. Because while I need to do my parts, I need to know that I’m not doing someone else’s as well.

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